By Austiano Riviera -
Get these mutha f##$@# aliens out of the mutha f3!#$ attic!
Pop quiz! I’m going to list three potentially related “things.” Guess which one doesn’t belong:
-The grandma from Everybody Loves Raymond
-The surviving demon from the movie Ghoulies II
-Eye of the Tiger by Survivor.
It’s a tough one. Mostly because it’s a trick question- none of these things belong together. But minds differ – and clearly that is the case here – this week’s trailer up for review nonsensically combines all three of these things.
It’s called Aliens in the Attic, and it premieres this Friday, July 31, 2009. It’s a half live-action half cgi bunch of silly aliens flopping around an attic and terrorizing kids.
Here’s the story. The Pierson’s rent a Victorian house for vacation. They move in, but to their surprise….somebody’s already there. A four-armed alien named Rupert is living in the basement. No, just kidding, he’s living in the attic. Who would have thought? Also, his name is not Rupert. But he looks like a Rupert, so for the remainder of this review I will refer to him as Rupert.
Anyway, Rupert is living in the attic. Did you read my first description of him carefully? I said he has four arms. Apparently, being two feet tall, green, and in general resembling a cracked-out gremlin was not weird enough to qualify this little bugger as worthy of the title alien. He needed two extra arms. Two arms for carrying his Coach luggage, one arm to scratch his spiny butt, and one arm to teach the children alien things with (also, this could qualify as butt-scratching).
The children befriend Rupert. And all is well in Mudville. Until the plot thickens…
Remember, this is Aliens in the attic, not Alien in the attic. And if my 2nd grade grammar teacher was correct, which I suspect she was, that means there are multiple aliens WHO ARE IN THE ATTIC.
But unlike the friendly Rupert, the second wave of aliens are evil. You can tell they are evil aliens because 1)they have only two arms 2)are wearing darker alien clothing and 3)they announce their arrival by saying “kill the humans!”
The evil aliens are a bunch of jerks. But they have cool guns, including an anti-gravity gun, which does exactly what it should do, but only in a small area. While floating in the air after getting hit with the anti-gravity gun, one of the kids says “They turned off the gravity like in Halo!”
WTF? StOOpid nOOb. I don’t remember that part in Halo. At least, not the original Halo for Xbox. Did this happen in any Halo? Where is my mind? What is this trailer doing to me? I’m freaking out. Someone erased my mind I think it was the alien(s) in the attic. The evil ones with two arms. Hold on a second
Ok sorry about that, but this trailer is so terrible it just fried my brain. I just went back and played through every Halo game, start to finish, and I didn’t experience any anti-gravity like the kid does in this trailer. That kid’s a liar.
Back to the trailer. Remember the beginning of this review? All the way at the top of the page, I made you take a quiz. Don’t worry, it’s ok if you failed, you were supposed to. I planned it that way. Because, now, after I use a few more commas, I will show you why.
The grandma from that Ray Romano show is in this trailer. The evil aliens take control of her body and make her do ungodly like acts, like back flips, karate kicks, and pleasure herself while watching herself on an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Ok I lied about that last part, that was sick. But seriously, she does some crazy superhuman stuff, all to the tune of: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor.
It’s times like these that I hate cgi. I don’t want to see that grandma blast a kid across the room by pulling some matrix moves. It’s unnatural. She should be baking pies for the children, maybe telling them boring stories about their parents, or watching endless hours of Jeopardy. Or, at the minimum, be asking her dried-up husband to “make love to her.” Seriously though, he will do it. He won’t enjoy it, but he will close his eyes and think of Grace Kelly.
So anyway, while the grandma is running kung-fu all over the place, one of the little demons, at 1:24 emerges from the toilet.
DID YOU HEAR ME? COMES OUT OF THE TOILET! This was done in like every Ghoulies movie ever. And the alien looks just like the Ghoulie who does it. The difference is that in Ghoulies, the little bastard popped up to eat your ass (in a bad way). In Aliens, the dude comes up to hand you some toilet paper. This is a family movie.
God I hate this trailer so much. I can’t even write about it anymore. This is one to stream –don’t download it, you will delete it before you even finish watching it. In fact, I suggest you fast forward to 1:24 to see the toilet alien, and 1:43 to see the grandma sliding down the railing like she’s Tony Hawk.
Aliens in the Attic trailer is approved for all audiences, despite the retardation you are likely to experience after ‘consuming’ it. Happy watching.