By Nova Clawtooth -
Area 51, NV – Can you drink Kool-Aid and run through a wall? This very question has baffled the world for decades. However, some of Detroit’s best researchers and scientists have finally put to rest an age old myth this week when the final tests were held in their secret above ground facility 5 miles outside of Las Vegas, the facility is currently part of the Bellagio’s “Tour Of Secret Facilities”.
The only beverage in the world identified more often by its color than by its flavor, Kool-Aid has been a staple of the instant beverage industry since the instant beverage has been a staple of the world’s diet. Most often consumed in its Red form with fried chicken and potato salad, Kool-Aid has found itself a place on tables big and small. The beverage became wildly popular following a recklessly unsafe barrage of television ads depicting the notorious Kool-Aid Man being summoned by thirsty children with the banshee cry “Hey Kool-Aid!!” At which point the Kool-Aid Man would cause irreparable damage to the children’s homes by running full speed through the nearest wall and showering the children with debris.
The United States looked to harness the power of Kool-Aid and create an army of super soldiers specializing in forced entry techniques, or as the Secretary Of State was quoted, “a gang of dudes that can run through walls and bust shit up”.
Unfortunately, the testing and research done at the secret facility has determined that no amount of Kool-Aid will allow a human to run through anything stronger than two sheets of loose-leaf paper held loosely. One scientist, who would only speak to us after a promise of anonymity, stated “Red, Purple, Orange…we tried everything, we had these men and women consume massive amounts of this stuff and the only thing broken were a couple of noses and a lot of egos”.
An inside source also revealed that testing on glass mugs with smiley faces resulted in similar failures.